Free write Friday: Not my best

I always construct my blog posts through photos first, not text. When I begin generating a post the visuals take precedent. I stage, create, capture, and edit, then fill in the gaps through words. I can't help but go through life thinking about how I could frame and caption my current moment for a good Instagram or blog post - which is probably unhealthy. My best blogging buddy Greta - from SomeSaltwater and I deemed the term "Free write Friday" for Fridays where we sit down in a coffee shop together and write away. Free write Fridays are both a way to rid writer's block and acknowledge my unfiltered thoughts. The theme for the first edition of Free write Friday is inspired by the quote:

              "The thing you are afraid to write the most - write that."   
- Nayyirah Waheed

I'm not at my best and haven't been all year - and that's okay. 

There are many things you are warned of when you enter college: homesickness, binge drinking, roommate drama, 80 page reading assignments. There are a lot more you aren't warned of: panic attacks that induce crying on your bathroom floor at 3 am, dragging yourself to the doctor while you're sick, feeling alone despite your several roommates, being so tired that you can't even find your socks in the morning, the list goes on.

 The start of my sophomore year at UW began with processing a break up, jumping into an 18 credit course load (when 12-15 is standard), and adjusting back to my less glamorous American reality after studying abroad in London for a month. Within the first two weeks of my sophomore year, going to bed around 4 am became standard. My fall quarter is a bit of a blur honestly. It consisted of a lot of anxiety, over-caffination and a 12 page research paper that felt like a death sentence. These factors plus a lack of sleep, lack of exercise, and non-existent love life made it very hard for me to feel good about myself. 

With the end of fall quarter and the cliche push of New Years resolutions, I was determined to face winter quarter with a new outlook and quest for self-love. I wanted to feel better about myself both physically and emotionally. Quoted from my very optimistic 2015 Goals and Resolutions post, "the theme for my resolutions can be summarized as better self-love and better self-care. I'm dedicating 2015 to learning how to love myself on my own," - This worked...to an extent.

Winter quarter involved practicing meditation and mindfulness, a less demanding course load, and a slight break from my anxiety. During this quarter I worked for the UW School of Art as an assistant for the Critical Issues in Contemporary Art public lecture series. The job was difficult to balance with school and caused its fair share of stress, but ultimately was very rewarding and made me happy. My quality of life was improving and my anxiety reducing, but I still wasn't happy with myself at the end of the day.

Towards the very end of winter quarter, I began to fall into a slump of routine. The routine of school, work emails, procrastinating homework and then staying up until 4 am to finish said homework. Being both an avid procrastinator yet perfectionist is exhausting. At this time, I felt trapped in a routine that I knew wasn't healthy but I didn't know how to change. I would go to bed most nights feeling unhappy with myself - more so emotionally than physically. I think being emotionally unsure is more difficult than being physically dissatisfied. You can't escape your emotional darkness just through exercise and salads. Loving yourself goes deeper than that, and though I was making progress, I still wasn't quite there.

Winter quarter quickly turned into spring, with blooming cherry blossoms and the beginning of new classes; and more significantly, a new relationship. This relationship has brought so much light and happiness to my life. Despite my encouraging boyfriend and better weather, spring quarter still managed to be the worst quarter of my college experience thus far. Every Tuesday I had three back to back super long lectures, then tutoring, then had to study for a weekly Wednesday quiz, which turned into regular Tuesday night panic attacks. This was hard. This made it really hard to function. Being sick for three weeks in May and missing these weekly Wednesday quizzes made it even harder to function.

For the first time in college, I was doing noticeably poorer in school. Up until spring quarter, no matter how stressed I got, my grades usually didn't reflect it. Spring quarter involved constantly overworking myself with what felt like no pay off. The mixture of academic stress and added anxiety on top of already feeling unhappy with myself wasn't a good cocktail. Though spring quarter felt never-ending, all things come to a resolution somehow. I did far better on my finals than I felt I did, which gave my grades a much needed boost. I miraculously ended my quarter on a strong note academically, though still felt unsettled emotionally.

Being on summer break has dramatically lessened my anxiety, but have I figured it out and feel like I'm at my best? Nope.

A recent conversation with an old friend prompted the question, "how do you feel you have changed the most in the past few years?"

I am less confident now than I was years ago. I feel less outgoing. Though I believe many people come out of their shells in college and become more social through parties and residential life, I have become more introverted. I used to be very outgoing and had no hesitation to talk to strangers or be the center of attention. Now I feel more comfortable letting others take center stage, and am okay being a wallflower. Going to school with nearly 40,000 students has made me appreciate the time that I can be alone. I used to thrive off of being with others 24/7, but now alone time is a daily necessity.

However - my new found introversion and anxiety isn't entirely a bad thing. I am not at my best right now, and haven't felt like have been at any point this year. But I'm an imperfect work in progress and am still kicking ass in many aspects of life. I somehow salvaged my academics and ended my sophomore year with a strong GPA. I have made major leaps forward towards my dream career, as I continue to get more involved working at the Seattle Art Museum. I have repaired many damaged friendships and continue to develop newer ones. 

I was most afraid to write about and admit that I am not at my best. I know I can feel better, but I can't put life on hold until then. Even though I am still learning to be happy with myself and love myself fully, I deserve to be proud of myself in the meantime. 

Cheers, friends.